Woodhouse's Funeral
by Red Witch
Summary: Death of a beloved valet.


**The disclaimer telling you all that I don't own any Archer characters is at a funeral. Well it's finally time for the big moment that leads into Season 8. Of course, neither 8 or 9 answered any questions. Which means we have to wait for 10. But for now, this is…**

 **Woodhouse's Funeral**

"Well here's today's mail," Lana walked into Mallory's office.

"Let me guess," Mallory sighed as she sat at her desk drinking. "More bills? Am I right?"

"At least Cyril pays for some of them," Lana suggested weakly as she put them on the desk.

"Not the hospital bills or for AJ's tuition," Mallory snapped. "I knew I should have stayed at the hospital for the rest of the day. Why did I come back here?"

"Well…" Lana took a deep breath. "There is this little thing you do called micromanaging."

"I don't know how much more of this I can take," Mallory groaned, ignoring Lana. "My son is in a coma. My bank account is rapidly dwindling. My reputation back in New York has been destroyed. My marriage is once again on the rocks. And I can count the number of clients this agency has had on a three-fingered shopkeeper's hand with room to spare!"

"Technically we have had more than that as clients," Lana sighed. "If you count Cheryl. And her multiple personalities."

"I don't," Mallory sighed. "And the cherry on the ice cream sundae of failure is that I am surrounded by idiots!"

BEEP!

"Hey Ms. Archer," Cheryl was on the speaker. "Phone call from the cops. Line one."

"God what fresh Hell is in store for me this **time?"** Mallory groaned as she went to answer the phone. "I've got it Carol!"

"Got what?" Cheryl was confused.

"We have got to get her off the glue," Lana groaned. "It's destroying her last remaining brain cell."

"Yes, this is she," Mallory answered. "Yes. Yes I…I see. Yes. Where **was** he? Oh. I see. Yes, I'll be down shortly. Thank you, officer."

Mallory hung up the phone. She had an ashen look on her face. "Mallory what is it?" Lana asked. "What happened?"

"It was the police," Mallory started to cry. "They found Woodhouse…"

"Oh…" Realization hit Lana.

Days later…

"I can't believe he's gone," Mallory tried to fight tears from her eyes. She and the others were sitting in a church. "I always thought he'd be there…And now…I just can't believe it."

They were all in black and waiting for the service to begin. Even AJ was in black and was strangely subdued. As if she had an understanding what was going on.

"I can't believe Archer paid for his coffin and head stone," Cyril remarked. "In advance."

"And not the cheap old pine box one either," Krieger nodded as he looked at the coffin. "That baby right there is the Eternal Slumber 9000. Silk lining. Silk pillows. Mold protection up the wazoo. If you're gonna decompose, you want to do it in **that!** "

"I'm not even going to ask how you know that," Ray sighed. "But it was nice of Archer to pay for Woodhouse's funeral."

"Yeah Archer can be pretty generous when he wants to be," Pam agreed. "Be even nicer if he was here. Wait, how did Archer know Woodhouse would be buried in LA?"

"He didn't. He made arrangements in New York, here and a few other cities," Mallory explained. "Just in case. Which reminds me I really need to cancel that standing order for that Famadihana ceremony in Madagascar."

"What?" Lana did a double take.

"Don't ask," Mallory groaned. "It's just a shock he's gone."

"The man was over eighty and a heroin addict," Ron said. He was dressed in black and sitting next to his wife. "It's more of a shock he lived **this long**."

"I think I knew on some level he was gone," Mallory wiped a tear away. "I knew this day would come sooner or later. Especially the way he ate heroin like it was candy. But still…"

"We're here for you Ms. Archer," Pam said.

"Anything you need you've got it," Cyril agreed.

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Mallory let out a breath. "But that does mean something to me."

"It's never easy seeing one of your crew go," Ron admitted as he held Mallory's hand.

"No, it's not," Mallory sighed. "These past months have been hard enough but this…"

"This could totally break you?" Cheryl asked hopefully.

"Cheryl honey," Ray said. "Could you kindly keep your fat mouth shut or I'll break **you**?!"

"Tease," Cheryl sniffed.

"Thanks," Mallory said to Ray. She actually meant it.

"You're welcome," Ray said back.

The ceremony started promptly. It was led by Reverend Fletcher who conducted the service with dignity and grace. Then it was time for the Figgis Agency to pay their respects.

Mallory spoke first.

"Woodhouse was the most loyal and devoted servant I ever knew," Mallory spoke at the podium. "He was more than a servant. He was one of the few people in the word I trusted with my life. He raised my son for crying out loud. He was always there when I needed him the most. I trusted him. I trusted him the very first day I met him. When I gave birth to Sterling in that bar in Tangiers. After killing a man."

"What?" Reverend Fletcher did a double take.

"Not only did he help deliver my son into the world," Mallory went on. "He saved my life by killing the men after me, selling his bar for a boat and helping me get to safety. Ever since then he's been by my side. Or Sterling's side. Depending on the situation."

"Oh, sure the man had his faults," Mallory waved. "A few little quirks. Sometimes I had to either pay of or threaten whoever was selling heroin to him. Bribe a prostitute or two. And that one time in Mexico where I had to smuggle him out of the country when he goaded William S. Burroughs into shooting his wife in the head. And then he accidentally shot the local chief of police's wife in the head."

"He did **what now**?" Reverend Fletcher did another double take.

"And then stole his police car with a pound of confiscated cocaine in the back seat," Mallory went on. "And of course, we all know about that incident with the lemur."

"I don't," Reverend Fletcher blinked.

"But those were small prices to pay for his complete and total devotion to Sterling and his loyalty," Mallory waved. "Seriously, compared to what you have to pay for a servant today, I got a bargain. Even with the bribes it was a lot less than you would expect."

Mallory teared up and looked at the casket. "You were more than a servant to me. You were my confidant. My friend…And my fake husband on one or two occasions when I had to smuggle some things into the country."

"He did **what now**?" Ron did a double take.

"I know if Sterling was here," Mallory sniffed. "He…would make a complete and total ass of himself. But he cared about you. And he'll miss you. And I miss you too. Rest well old friend. You've earned it. Especially after what Sterling made you do with those spider webs."

"He did **what now**?" Reverend Fletcher did a double take.

Next Pam went up.

"Woodhouse was a great guy who really liked to party," Pam said to everyone. "And he helped out whenever he could. Remember the time we had him impersonate the Pope? And then we all got nearly killed in a shootout and chase with the Camorra? Good times."

Reverend Fletcher did another double take in shock. But Pam went on. "Okay so he gave a lot of heroin to a lemur and it went crazy and bit a lot of people? Nobody's perfect."

"Did you also know that Woodhouse was a war hero? Scalped about twenty something Germans! Killed 'em dead!"

"He did **what now**?" Krieger did a double take.

"He may have been a thin little tweedy guy," Pam added. "But in my book, that makes him a bad ass. And that's a cool thing to be."

After Pam's speech Cyril went up.

"Woodhouse was a devoted servant," He said. "And a good man. Well maybe not that good considering the heroin use and the incident with those prostitutes and the lemur? And those secret raves he held at Tunt Manor when we were all in San Marcos. But if putting up with Archer all these years doesn't qualify someone to go to heaven…I don't know what will."

Then Ray went up.

"Woodhouse taught me how to cook eggs," Ray admitted. "His famous Eggs Woodhouse."

"Me too!" Krieger called out.

"Woodhouse was a complicated man," Ray added.

"Especially when it came to his GILF website," Krieger added.

Ray shot Krieger a look. "But he was a good and kind man. A man who would always be there with a glass of whatever alcohol you desired. We should all be lucky to know a man like Woodhouse. I think we were lucky to know him even for only a short time."

"Great that was my eulogy…." Krieger threw out his notes. "Someone else can go."

"Oh what the hell?" Ron went up after Ray. "I didn't know Woodhouse as much as the rest of you. But from what I can tell, if that man can survive you lot longer than anyone else…Especially Mallory. What can I say? Cyril's right. That guy's a shoo in for heaven. I mean seriously, for that man to be around this woman and her son for as long as he was…He paid his dues all right!"

"Ron," Mallory glared at him. "Do me a favor and **not** come to the burial. I might be tempted to **shove you in**!"

"Feeling's mutual honey!" Ron snapped.

"My turn," Lana left AJ with Pam and went up. "I know if Archer was here he would be heartbroken with grief. Archer loved Woodhouse. Even though he threatened to brutally murder him several times. But he still loved him."

"Interesting way of showing it," Cyril grumbled. Ray glared at him.

"We all know Archer has problems showing his emotions to the people he cares about…" Lana began. "Especially if they are other women who he can't keep his dick out of their vagina…"

"True dat," Mallory nodded with a sigh.

"But he loved Woodhouse and will miss him terribly," Lana sighed. "And so will I. So will all of us."

And then for some reason Cheryl spoke.

"WHO'S GOING TO FETCH A RUG NOW?" Cheryl sobbed. "WHO'S GOING TO FETCH A RUG NOW? WAAHHHH!"

"Oh for the love of Christ," Mallory rolled her eyes.

"Actually, for Cheryl," Ray groaned. "This is rather subdued."

"It is…" Pam admitted.

"Okay I have something!" Krieger stood up. "Now I know I'm just throwing this out there but…"

"You are **not** turning Woodhouse into a damn cyborg!" Mallory shouted.

"Just making a suggestion," Krieger grumbled as he sat down.

"A **bad** suggestion!" Lana glared at him.

"A **what now**?" Reverend Fletcher blinked.

"Don't ask…" Pam sighed. "I guess that's all of us so go ahead Reverend…"

"Apparently, Arthur Woodhouse led an…" Reverend Fletcher winced as he stood in front of them. "Interesting life. Full of interesting people. **Very** interesting people. Let us pray…"

Shortly after the service and burial a repast was held at the Grand Tuntmore restaurant. A very large and glamorous private party complete with a buffet and an open bar. Ray, Krieger, Cyril and Pam were standing near the bar drinking expensive scotch.

"Archer even paid for an open bar at the repast?" Cyril was stunned.

"He did," Krieger nodded. "I'm more stunned Ms. Archer didn't stick around to drink it."

"She and Lana are going to the hospital to see Archer," Pam said. In the corner AJ was playing with Ron. "I told her me and Ron would watch the kid."

"Speaking of children," Ray looked around. "Where's Cheryl?"

"Who cares?" Cyril shrugged. "I'm seriously asking."

"I am," Ray gave him a look. "In case she starts a fire."

"Even Cheryl won't burn her own place if it makes enough money," Pam waved. "You know when it comes to business she's a lot smarter than you think."

"She is a billionaire who loves tormenting Ms. Archer," Ray admitted. "Who knows? We may all end up having to work for that woman someday. And that is one of the most frightening things I have ever thought."

"I know Lana and Ms. Archer would have brain aneurysms at the very thought," Pam snorted.

"God the longer Archer is in a coma the more those two are getting unraveled," Cyril admitted. "And losing Woodhouse really hit Ms. Archer hard."

"Like a god damn brick wall," Pam admitted. "I think the first month and a half Ms. Archer was kind of in denial about Archer being in a coma. But now…"

"Now the gravity of Archer's condition has really set in," Cyril added. "She's spending almost all her time at the hospital now. Sitting by his side."

"Drinking by his side," Ray added. "Maybe she's hoping the smell of bourbon would wake him up?"

"Not a far-reaching theory," Krieger said. "It was a nice service though."

"Surprisingly respectful and low key," Ray agreed. "Considering this is us. Gotta admit. Gonna miss that crazy old dope fiend."

Pam raised a glass. "But all in all, Woodhouse was a good egg. A toast!"

They all raised their glasses. "To Woodhouse," Pam said. "A damn good valet who knew how to make really good eggs and a martini. We're gonna miss you, ya crazy bastard."

"To Woodhouse!" The others cheered and clinked their glasses before they drank.

"The end of an era," Ray sighed after he drank. "I mean I know he hasn't been around for two years but still…"

"We all thought he was going to come back," Pam sighed. "I'm gonna miss that little guy. You know I slept with him once?"

"Quelle surprise," Ray rolled his eyes.

"Back in Tunt Manor when we were doing that drug cartel thing," Pam went on. "We snorted some coke together. Got a little high. Next thing I knew I was having him service me if you get my drift."

"Unfortunately, yes," Cyril groaned. "Oh God Pam!"

"Oh like I was the **only one**!" Pam snapped.

"I felt sorry for the little guy okay?" Ray snapped. "It was just one quick time in Archer's bathroom…"

"I was talking about Cheryl when she was Cherlene," Pam gave him a look. "But thank you for **that** mental image. Seriously, thank you."

"Cheryl slept with Woodhouse too?" Cyril asked.

"Yeah but I don't think she remembers it," Pam shrugged. "She was drinking with me that one time in Tunt Manor and kind of drunk. And then…"

"I don't want to know any more," Cyril groaned.

"Well if we're going to be totally honest…" Krieger coughed.

"I said I **didn't** want to know!" Cyril snapped.

"And you know Ms. Archer banged Woodhouse at least **once,** " Pam added.

"Oh yeah," Krieger nodded.

"Totally," Ray said. "But just don't say it around her."

"Wasn't planning to," Cyril said as he took a drink.

"Or Ron," Ray added.

"Again!" Cyril glared at him. "Wasn't **planning** to!"

"Wasn't planning to what?" Ron asked as he brought over AJ.

"Nothing," Cyril waved.

"He wasn't planning on telling you that we all think Ms. Archer didn't bang Woodhouse at least once," Pam told him.

"PAM!" Ray shouted.

"Like I didn't suspect **that** already!" Ron groaned.

"What's bang?" AJ asked innocently.

"Oh, dear lord…" Cyril groaned.

"They played Cowboys and Indians honey," Ray thought quickly. "Ms. Archer went bang and Woodhouse fell down."

"Actually, that's a misnomer," Cyril said. "It really was against The American Calvary Regiment Vs. Native Americans. Cowboys and Native Americans AKA Indians rarely fought. In fact a lot of Indians became cowboys."

"Thank you Mr. Politically Correct," Ron groaned. "Yeah honey they played a lot of games."

"Does that count as phrasing?" Pam asked. Everyone looked at her. "WHAT?"

"So is that it?" Ron groaned. "Can we go home now? I promised I'd take AJ home with me to babysit."

"I was going to stay here a while longer," Pam shrugged. "Then take home some free booze and anything I can stuff into my purse."

"Me too!" Krieger nodded. "Uh only it's my van. Not a purse. What? The van holds more."

"Think it could hold that entire buffet?" Ray asked as he took a look.

"Easily," Krieger nodded. "I already put a few extra things from the deep freezer in there."

"We could split the chow up when we get back to the agency," Pam said. "Equal shares of food and booze."

"I saw a few extra pies back in the kitchen I could score," Krieger said.

"Not to mention a bowl full of apples in the hall out there," Ray realized. "And candy!"

"You're going to rip off all the food in this hotel?" Ron gasped. "This is stealing!"

"This is our grocery shopping for the week," Ray told him.

"Let's just say Ron we have to cut corners," Cyril groaned. "Not all of us can live off of alcohol alone like your wife!"

"In that case can you get me a coffee machine that works with a simple push of a button?" Ron sighed. "I can't figure out that newfangled contraption my wife bought."

"I saw an old one that will work in there," Krieger nodded.

"Wait," Ron realized. "Isn't what's her name going to notice or something?"

"Cheryl barely notices anything," Pam said. "Speaking of which where is she?"

"I have a feeling it has something to do with that!" Ray pointed.

A couple of waiters rolled out a huge cake. "Finally! Some dessert!" Pam said.

POP!

" _Happy birthday to me!"_ Cheryl popped out of the cake only wearing her bra and panties. _"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!"_

"Cheryl your birthday was months ago you ding dong!" Pam shouted. "What the hell are you doing?"

"It's my party! And I decided to have a second birthday to meeeeeeee!" Cheryl laughed.

"What do you think she took this time?" Cyril sighed.

"Nothing I gave her that's a fact," Krieger shrugged. "But whatever she's on I would love to try."

"I'd like to try that cake," Pam said. "What flavor is it?"

"Some kind of rum cake I'm guessing," Ray quipped.

"CAKE!" AJ squirmed in Ron's arms. "CAKE!"

"I'm with you AJ," Pam grinned. "To paraphrase Marie Antoinette, let's eat cake!"

"Okay kiddo," Ron sighed and put AJ down. "Go have some cake."

"CAKE!" Pam and AJ squealed as they ran to the cake and started eating with their fingers.

"Hey! My cake! Mine!" Cheryl snapped as Pam and AJ started to dig in. "Fine I'm gonna eat all my cake anyway!" She started to eat the cake too.

"Yeah good luck with that," Pam snorted between bites.

"I want cake too!" Krieger ran over and started eating cake. "Yum! Checkerboard!"

"My cake!" Cheryl snapped between bites. "My cake! Get your stupid germy fingers off it!"

Cheryl then threw some cake at AJ who laughed. "Don't throw cake at the baby!" Pam snapped as she grabbed a handful of cake and threw it at Cheryl.

"Technically she's a toddler not a…" Krieger began when Cheryl threw some cake at him. "HEY! Okay that's **it!** "

"And cue the cake fight," Ron groaned as the four of them started eating and throwing cake all over the place.

"I am so glad neither Mallory nor Lana is here to witness this," Cyril groaned as he watched the insanity. "This is ridiculous even for us!"

"I dunno," Ray said. "Considering Woodhouse's life…It kind of fits."

Later that afternoon…

"Mallory is still with Archer," Lana sighed as she arrived at Ron's house to pick up AJ. "She's really…"

She then did a double take. Her daughter was covered in cake and frosting and so was Ron. "HI MOMMY!" AJ chirped. "I HAD CAKE!"

"Why is my child covered in **cake**?" Lana asked. "Why are **you** covered in cake?"

"Cheryl and Pam…" Ron began.

"Never mind," Lana groaned.


End file.
